she got out of town

fuck.my heart.fuck fuck...

fuck.
my heart.
fuck fuck fuck.

i never expected myself to be feeling this miserable about leaving here. i thought i'd be okay.

i cry because ill miss all the people.

i cry because ill miss my best friend in romania - aga.

i cry because ill miss my training buddy andreea.

i cry because of all, ill fucking miss cosmin like he is a piece of me and without him there, that half is gone.

so im just sitting here watching him sleep. a few hours left til he has to leave me. i dont have the heart to wake him up cosh e's tired, but it's killing me.

a few more hours. it's late in the night and i can feel the time slipping away.

this is so unfair.

i dont know what to...

i dont know what to do.

thinking about us, what we gonna be.
open my eyes; it was only just a dream.

i miss you already, but where did the sparkles go?

rule number 1: dont lie to me. do not fucking lie to me.

i hate being lied to. i hate dishonesty.

dont try to cover it up.

i dont want to walk away regretting this, not making the most of our time.

is it too petty? should i just let it go? or should i just let you go?

we just dont have time. i can forgive and forget, provided you can look me in the eyes and give me honesty.
i dont want my last few days to be miserable. i want to leave with beautiful memories.

dont fuck this up, cosmin.

OUCH.fighting.where's the trust...

OUCH.

fighting.

where's the trust gone now, huh kimb?

gone gone gone.

i needed an explanation. the truth. words. anything.

you gave me nothing. it hurts and im way overly emotional, because i care.

you know how much i hate being clingy. why make me do this?

couldnt you try to be decent for a few more days? why ruin what would have otherwise been a perfectly beautiful summer story?

anyway. i think im done. you havent tried to contact me or talk to me since. for fucks sake, i even dreamt that you did. i woke up and realised how pathetic i was.

you killed it.

i hate how i feel...

i hate how i feel
the way i feel
please make it stop

i know it'll hurt when im back home, but im hoping it wont hurt TOO much.

im hoping it'll fade in some time and ill have good memories.

but right now, it is pure agony to think, how fucking much ill miss him and not be able to call him, see him, touch him when i want.

there's definitely no way i could accidentally run into him, make him jealous at some party, dial his number and hang up. i cant do any of that.

the worst break ups i think are when both parties dont want it to end. it's a fucking tragedy that this will end because of the circumstances, not because we want it to.

i will no doubt continue to constantly think about him. it's gotten way too deep. im over my head and i dont want it to stop.

i wouldn't take it back because these past weeks have been amazing. i wish we had more time. i wish i was heartless about this and was only in it for the physical interaction. but im not.

i feel things for him. a lot of things.

and he has done so much for me here. i owe him everything. he makes me feel so safe and he treats me like a queen. for over a year, i have not trusted anyone again. i've let him in and now i have to kick him out. it'll fade. 

what to do? save tonight...

what to do?

save tonight has gone through so many life cycles.

it once belonged to richard before he left to america, while he was gone. when he left the second time.

when i left to romania this time.

and now when i leave romania, for cosmin.

i can feel my heart starting to die.

ouch ouch ouch.

he says, i have 10 days left with you, i have 10 days left to try to make you as happy as possible. we're both going to be fucked over, but i dont care. ill just turn into an icecube after you leave and not care anymore. i dont care that im getting fucked over - because id rather do this now and know what it's like to have something like this. this sets the standard and i have something to compare against. ill never feel this way again, but im glad i knew what it feels like at all.

ouch.

i just want to say hush, hush. let's leave it be.

but it's hard.

"you're scared you're going to fall in too deep?"

opening up, trust - the whole deal. that's so much to ask of me. we need time.

i can try my best to give everything...so that i dont regret not making the most of things.

i have come so far to let this be another heartbreak. be happy and grateful that this happened, right? i have so many things to be thankful for. life has finally moved on from richard. i got out of that rut and here's to hoping this, itself, doesn't become another rut. actually, i know it wont be, because this is good.

this is the cure, the healing, the breath of fresh air.

no more sad faces now i promise. will be as happy as possible.

i had an amazing weekend...

i had an amazing weekend.

my week was rocky to say the least. up and down.

i think im in love. kinda.

nah just kdding, notreally.

but i feel strongly, because you know what, im in another country and anything i feel is exaggerated and exciting. spontaneity!

i love that im living for the moment now.

weekend was seirously, THE BEST.

now back to reality - a romanian reality that is. back to work and the dorm. back to facing with the situation. no getaway.

it felt so good to have someone want you again. im a hypocrite and much much more than that, but i just can't stop.

im sorry a trillion billion times to you. i wish you could figure it out for me.

these past 3 days were the first time since i arrived in romania, that i wasn't dying to use the internet and thinking about richard constantly. i was so occupied and having so much fun, i didn't care anymore. i would have stayed in constanta all week if i could!

it's taken this long - 4 weeks into my trip - and finally, i can say i dont give a shit about what richard thinks or whether or not he speaks to me. im having the time of my life here and i dont think i even want to return yet.

when i think back to australia - i think of boredom. sure, comfort and everything i love is there, but here, now, i am loving the freedom and people around me. i love itlal.

to think i ever expected...

to think i ever expected anything more

this is why im afraid to even tell my closest friends about what happened

judgment? distance?

i hurt as i thought you'd be there irregardless - supportive, understanding.

i know i don't deserve sympathy and im not asking for complete understanding.

but i just hoped you'd still be my friend...to be there.

instead you kinda just yeh...

have i changed in your eyes? the type of person i am?

i dont intend to make this sound exaggerated, but i feel alone. i could not feel any more alone than i do right now. i'm here and i dont think there's anywhere i can turn to. nobody can understand me.

nothing can really explain why whatever happened, happened.

i just want for you to see that, i need you now. a lot. more than ever. i need you to drop your judgment, to just sit there and be there for me. do you even wonder why it happened? what im going through? how hard it is for me?

some pattern that seems to keep repeating itself. why??

im selfish and needy. 

pms pms pms pms...

pms pms pms pms

Oh, this was so interesting...

"go on the roadtrip with terr, kat, viv and damo. then i can't wait to start my final year of uni, work and earn money for my car. i can't wait to get back to life. hate to admit it, but i also can't wait to see richard again...in reality that is. where he's not on the other side of the world, where he's not harbouring love for a summer fling, where i'm not hating and loving him at the same time. i can't wait to talk to him again as two normal people, as friends.

i'm okay. this is as okay as i can be at this stage.

20 is probably a big step. 20s milestone. more is expected of you, and i guess, it's time to step up to that. it's the last year to have fun as a teen. this is youth as it is. have fun celebrating. maybe opt for something a bit more lowkey this year? go out with only your close friends? we love the attention, but save that for the 21st."

i received another futureme letter.

ah.

hey it's absolutely painfully hilarious and awkward that richard PRIVATE messaged me on fb to wish me a happy birthday. what? like he still doesnt feel comfortable enough to fb comment me publicly? nor does he feel close enough to me anymore to email me? are we really not friends anymore??

so i said to don, so what is it? does he not want to be my friend? and don's all, no no i know he does im sure of it. he sometimes asks about you and how you're doing - i tell him that you're fine and that you like it in romania.

the point that bothers me, is that why cant richard ask me that himself? why rely on don for that trivial piece of information? why not have it within him to speak to me normally like we used to? if he don't care, then why ask about me at all? just stop. just stop caring.

don made a point that friendship can go to relationship but it doesnt work the other way around. richard had looked him in the eye and point blanked disagreed. of course, don told me this to relate it back to me.

i think it's terrible whatever it is. richard used to always reiterate that friendship post-relo was practially impossible. tension never dies.

perhaps we were trying really hard before and that's why we were always in each other's faces, but who is even trying anymore? he quit.

so on this trip away, i really had time to think. didnt think about richard, didnt think about how painful it's all been. just enjoyed my time in bran.

things always look up for a while, then something awlays happens.

but im getting there.

nowi just have to make don stop talking about richard, cos i dont give a shit. i dont want to hear about any of that. i dont care.

how could you let this...

how could you let this go?

slow detox process. everything is coming out. let it all run dry. cleanse me.

everytime im disappointed, i retract back and reach climatic turning points. then im alone and i miss companionship.

you replaced me with don so easily.

suddenly i dont matter so much anymore.

it's good that we now have space and time.

i come back to a new era. complete.

i wished to travel here to cut you off, hoping literal distance would catalyse our emotional distance. so why am i so surprised now that it's actually working?

maybe because i thought you'd be trying and i'd have to fight you off. whoah,  i thought i was someone important to you.

anyway, it's working. there's no time. i have to remember that before i left, i said this was it. i promised everyone i'd stop doign this to myself.

NO MORE LINGERING. okay.