she got out of town

it's fading into darkness

you don't fucking understand.

something is so very wrong with me.

i feel so helpless, consumed in all this sadness. i feel so alone even when i have him.

nothing makes sense

and i feel so guilty for dragging him into this. more than anything, it breaks my heart to see his eyes so sad when he sees me like this.

but i just can't stop. the tears don't stop flowing, and i don't even know why.

why is this happening? love should be enough, right?

then why can't i stop crying? why do i feel so empty?

im not sure what has happened to me.

kind of spiralling down now.

it kills me that we don't have any more options. so we wait. we will just have to wait for at least 5 years before we can finally be together. permanently.

we know over the next few years, we will see each other whenever we can - holidays, vacations, visits. but it all sounds so wistful and far away.

what are the chances? i mean, it's been 6 months and i have yet to touch him again. despite how hard we work, it seems like there have been no rewards. shit just keeps getting thrown in our faces.

it's not that i can't wait, because for this, i will do anything. but i'm terrified. what if i lose him? what if something happens along the way? to count this in years is a terribly long and painful thing. a lot of things can happen in between.

so i think to myself. i wish i could marry him now.the thought of having to wait until people will think im old enough to settle down - it suffocates me. despite how mature i feel that i am and how my feelings are, my family and our circle have yet to see or recognise that. this is what suffocates me. i don't want to pretend that i'm pious, innovent and pure. i want to just scream in their faces that i've gone through more shit and resurfaced unscathed than they could imagine.

i called the migration department to ask about the partner and marriage visa. no other options there. i think she heard the sadness in my voice, because her words trailed off and she told me to 'take care'.

how am i supposed to take care, when i feel like a huge chunk of me is on the other side of the world and it hurts every day to be without it?

then i went to an interview today. needless to say, i was not into it. i convinced myself i didn't want it, and it makes perfect sense. my interviewers knew it too. they told me to figure out what i wanted before i take any further steps. but how, when i just don't want to figure it out?

every day is kind of difficult to go through. i think about how i've failed and the future is so uncertain and scary to me.

i'm not interested in social gatherings, but i feel like i should be making some effort at least. so i've been rsvp-ing. finally. but i don't know if i'll show up anyway.

the misery has been eaten me up for a long while now.

i still keep having these vivid dreams.

i think it's the guilt. i always feel so guilty afterwards.

6 months now. you know what i've realised? things are good. at the end of the day, despite the fighting, we are still strong. we fight but it never crosses our minds to consider the dead end option. there's hope and we fight because we love and we're frustrated and hurt by the distance and time apart. unwilling separation.

it's a new year and i've had a lot of time to reflect my progress in 2010. i've shared this many times before so it's no surprise anymore. my transition - growth from 2009 to 2010 is immense. a broken heart healed. an adventure started. challenges overcome. myself tested.

and since ive graduated, ive felt content. ive told myself how much ive enjoyed the solitude. how i love being at home, in my room, consumed by my books, movies, writing, music.

how i love that im focusing on myself and most days i'll hit the gym to work out and it's like a big game for me. im testing my self-discipline and ability to keep this healthy eating and exercising regime up to improve myself and my self esteem.

and actually, i DO enjoy this newfound motivation and love for being active and exerting all that unused and pent up energy and sometimes emotions that are dying to be vented out.

then i realised today...
i have a lot that needs to be vented out. i am content but im not happy.

it seems, somewhere along the way, i lost friendships. i still have friends but who do i talk to? since i gave up on people and sustaining relationships (preferring to be alone), i now find myself without someone to turn to for these complicated rants.

e.g. richard. sad as it is to say this, i do miss him. i miss that i could talk to him, but it's been so damn fucking long now, things are so out of loop, ican't do it anymore. and he is just so uninterested cos he has a lot on his own plate and my wishy-washy personal demons seem so tragically self-absorbed and lame. i get it.
i dont know what im doing with my life. i feel miserable every time my parents are bashing at me for small petty things, that are a result of me being at home way too much and them seeing me way too much - hence, finding numerous things to pick fault at.

i thought it'd be an easy life now that i wasn't out partying anymore, but it's about the same, if not worse.

i feel trapped.

i want to get out, believe me i do, but how? i cant seem to get a job. i find them, make it through the stages, meet them, and all hope is then lost.

im desperate, but i dont want to settle. i hate that i didnt maket he most of those graduate assessment days when i know i had it within me. i could have done so much better, but i lost the motivation when i needed it most.

they are the regrets i keep going back to.

i blame my limbo in life now on that. i had a plan. finish uni, find grad work, make money, settle into routine, make enough money to support him when he sees me.

but now, no work, no money, just rolling around at home, living off my parents/brother and leaving to gym.

but it's not so bad, i suppose. because well, i can consider this as my personal holiday/break/recouping/discovery period. i dont know. i guess i've had a lot to process and work over. ive badly needed this break. ive always been on the go, so it's definitely been so nice to sit back and chill.

but im afraid ive done enough now. 2 months since i finished, it's time to get up and go.

and that's what scares me. what awaits me when i leave my room finally?

we fight and we fight.

i wonder if it's any indication of what's to come...is this the beginning of the end?

surely not, right? after all, you ARE the love of my life. i want to marry you and be with you forever.

but why do you hurt me so? why do you make me feel so worthless? why am i so emotionally exhausted?

why do you not care? why do you not try? why do you just leave me here to cry by myself and hurt the way i do? why do you break my heart and not even turn around to see if im okay? why do you walk away from me?

when i need you like this. now.

i need you so fucking much, but you just think im stupid for being this way. you don't get it.

is winning the argument so important to you? can you not ever give in to save my heart from breaking more?

i can't breathe. it hurts so much.

im living a life that is enveloped by you. i feel you. you are the air, you are everything. i drop everything just for a glimpse of you. dont you see that? im giving you everything, it lives so strongly within me and i am so consumed by you.

every little thing you do affects me in monumental ways.

all i ask is for you to keep showing me your love for as long as it exists. when things are tough, when we fight, when we're sad - i need you to still be there.

whenever things have happened - no matter how upset i am - i have NEVER ever even suggested or considered the idea of breaking up or giving up on this.

i would never leave you.

but tonight, for the first time ever, i wonder. what am i supposed to do now? before, i always had that mindset because you'd still be there, no matter how roughly we fought. but now you've left me.

it's a losing battle when it's just me. do i fight by myself?

i dont know how to break it to you.

ive been having dreams about it and it's worse every time.

i don't want to break your heart. i don't want you to leave me.

why do i need to tell you? i could not tell you forever.

is it selfish and reckless of me, that ive nosedived into this without considering much the consequences of my actions? no back up plans, no second thoughts, no logical reasoning.

i never stopped for even a minute to think about this through.because that entire time, my heart was screaming yes yes yes, this is what i want. i don't doubt that. i can see us and our future.

but reality says...there's a hell lot more obstacles to come. he's right - we should write a tv series on our lives together...

i see his passport photo just now and i get this weird feeling in me. it's a bit surreal. im not sure if it's real...if you know what i mean.

i keep thinking, how CRAZY was the intensity of my feelings during those last few days? me crying at the hotel. me hurting physically.

how i felt that this was it for us, that it hurt so much to think of never seeing him again - that i was letting this man that i love walk away from my life now. how i told myself, realistically, we'd never see eachother again after this and that is exactly why i was crying the way i did. i thought it was the end.

i never expected us to be so close to meeting again now. i didnt think he'd actually go all in for me, to drop everything. the love is overwhelming. what have i done to deserve such a real, genuine and pure love like this?

and when i see him work his ass off to get everything together to see me, im a bit numb. im a bit flat. i dont know why. i just sit there and i dont say a single thing.

it hasnt sunk in yet...why yes, i am actually engaged and my fiance is going to fly thousands of miles to be with me. is that real?

thinking about you.

kinda funny.

it's like you're making up with the year of abandonment by suffocating me with your friendship now. it's like we're doing all the things we never got to do. movies, dinners, hang outs, drinks, clubbing, late night eating, lunches. mm.

on the other hand, i just feel suffocated. with everything.

my love for you is so sincere and real, but at the same time, i am so tired and worn down. it's eating at me. when will i get to feel you on my skin again? can i just please hold your hand?

i miss you here. home is where you are.